Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Witness

Deer gracefully bound through the tall grass riverbed, like gazelle jumping through the African bush, on their way to suck up the life giving cool milk flowing down from the powerful white shoulders of the mountain the Natives called, Tahoma, the breast of the earth. Sitting here now looking out at the same scene they loved like a mother, it's no wonder why.
It is one of those gloriously warm mid summer evenings beside the mighty Cowlitz River, which sustains this paradise on earth. She is alive above and below with fish jumping up to catch meals who’ve strayed too dangerously close to the fractured surface between worlds.
Occasionally the strong silver backs roll above the surface, as they struggle against the current making their way en mass back to the beds of their birth to give life to the next generation of strong silver backs. Those who have completed their journey lay on the river bottom, having spent their potency above, now nourish the next generation of little spawn who flip above the meaty carcasses of the those who have gone before. I am witness to this ancient dance that has gone on since long before we were here to witness it, and the mysterious forces that sustain it.
Every leaf on every swaying tree glows with a warm yellow aura making this seem like a scene from an unbelievably lucid dream. The gentle warm summer breeze lightly tickles my face and hair. I have found my piece of heaven on earth. Like Sidhartha, sitting under the Bodhi tree I hear the river making the same sound as the Ganges.
My loyal friend warms the feet of his master, perfectly content with his little legs tucked under the soft fur of his warm belly, eager to spring into action to bravely protect me from the next squirrel or rabbit or bird that ventures too close.
Even the flight of the mosquito delights me and seems in perfect harmony with the movement of the river, until he stops on my delicious knee, lightly browned by the summer sun, eager to suck a meal out of the red river running beneath my skin. I serve as his last supper. I am grateful for the gracefull Swallows diving, floating and bobbing in perfect arcs, catching the infernal mosquitos in mid flight, with perfect maneuvers that would be the envy of any pilot.
Orange and Yellow Monarch Butterflies seem to fly out of control until they deftly negotiate their way around tree limbs and bushes to land perfectly on the most vibrant purple flowers and lick up the succulent nectar of life, to sustain their vibrant colors.
A banal brown sparrow, no bigger than a pinecone, lands on the river bank below me and lets the loudest song erupt from his throbbing feathered chest, more melodic than any symphony. In the distance, accross the river his rival responds with an equally beautiful song. And the little sparrow quickly flies off in his endless pursuit of a suitor.
The Osprey glide powerfully down onto the river making barey a splash and without missing a beat, emerge with a silvery dripping fat wriggling meal to carry back to the next generation screaming in the gnarled top of the tallest gray Cedar.
A Great Blue Heron pulls up from his patient one legged hunting stance in the river uttering his objection with a bothered guttural croaking. His mighty wing span carries him low down the river. At first his graceful neck is extended out in front of him piercing the thick atmosphere that hangs above the river. Then as he gains command of the air in a steady flight down stream, he tucks his graceful ‘S’ curve neck against his powerful shoulders and continues effortlessly downstream, finally disappearing behind the veil of feathery fine fog floating softly above the river, glowing in the pinkish orange light of dusk.
As darkness falls, the gracefull flight of the swallows is replaced by stealthy flight of dark leather wings, who take over the pursuit of the pests who pursue me and needle me to move along, like the river and all the life it sustains.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I was at my father in laws grave side yesterday for a little Memorial with the family. What I said was, I remember the day that we put this good man's body in the ground 14 years ago. What I remember the most about that day was how woderful it was to be alive, to be able to look out at the beautiful oak trees, breath the fresh air, enjoy this beautiful light and look out at that beautiful mountain. Our lives are miracles. What lies within us is the greatest potential and the worst aspects of humanity. It is up to each of us to decide which aspect we are going to realize, which aspect we are going to nurture and give life to. It is up to each of us to weed out those aspects of our selves that we find destructive and to build up that aspect of ourselves that is good and decent. Even though Dad had a gruff exterior that he showed to most of the world, he also had a tender side that manifested itself whenever he held any one of his grandkids, and tears of joy would run down his cheeks. We were the fortunate few who were privilaged to know that side of Dad. Hopefully his legacy of human decency will live on in each of us.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Castles in the Sky

I should be busy with work and much less consumed with searching for the holy grail on the internet, and conceed the fact that Camelot is just a castle in the sky, and resign myself to the beaureaucratic banality I have to endure to create anything worthwhile. If the International Building code is not enough to suck the life out of anything wonderful, surely the New International Fire Code will. If the IFC and UFC combined are not enough to kill a great vision, why then there is always the ADA act and of course the budgetary constraints of bond issues that will do the job.
You want to build an ivory tower? Great! You get to deal with the General Contractors who will end up suing you because you did not specify real ivory and so they used faux ivory, which only has a waranty of about a year, or until they get around the corner, whichever comes first. When you don't agree to pay them for the crap they erect they sue the owner, who in turn sues you for not specifying real (illegal) ivory.
So you avoid designing anything beautiful or extraordinary because every time you do somboby wants to sue you or bring up the fact that it is a waste of taxpayers money and they would rather buy a room full of computers than build anything extraordinary. So everybody just buckles under, unless they happen upon a really visionary (endangered) school board who believes that buildings can teach as much to children as books and computers.
Otherwise its all just more of the same old crap and I am looking forward to 5:00 when I can go run in the park with my twin and our kids and go home and help my kids build a treehouse in the backyard with nobody complaining about the fact that it does not meet code.
And realize that the only castle in the sky is my kid's treehouse, and their wonderful visions of pulleys and laser guns and fooseball tables and firepoles and slides and game systems and zip lines and climbing walls and puching bags and overcoming fears and working out relationships, all of which is wonderful and is totally violates every code ever written.
Oh to be a kid again.....
...........when everything was possible because there were no limits
and you could still believe...
...in anything

Monday, May 24, 2004

Patriarchal society

Dear Daughter told us over dinner, "The daddys make the rules and the mommys follow them."
I asked her where she learned that. "At church."
Dear wife and I look at each other with the same look parents give each other when they realize their children are learning things they need not subscribe to.
I let her go first.
"Well, honey, that depends on the family. In some familys that is the way it works. In our family however daddy and I both make decisions together because we are equal partners. We think that it is a better way for families to operate."
I couldn't have said it better myself. She summed up my feelings exactly.

My oldest sister just reminded me that I carry the heavy mantle of "Patriarch" of my tribe, my family. It made me feel like the father of the Heroine in the movie Whale Rider who refused to accept that heavy mantle. According to my eldest sister, I'm the last tenuous link to that part of our tribe who maintained the traditions of their fathers. Now I realize that I am not the patriarch. My father is the patriarch and he rejected those traditions in favor of reason and love of nature. I choose that tradition. I choose to nurture that legacy, that inheiritance. Just as importantly, our mother is the Matriarch and they established a legacy of equal partnership in a marriage. They were the first ones in our family to reject the patriarchal order of the past. They were the first ones to say this is not right. Men and women are equal. They were the first in our family to carry equal responsibility for raising the family. They did a fine job of raising us to have good morals, virtue and the capability to think independently, without religion, and in part despite religion.
I choose to honor that tradition. I choose to follow in their progressive footsteps. I choose humanism over dogmatism. I choose reason over superstition. I choose the natural record over the written record. I choose mental emancipation over slavish obedience. I choose the sublime and transcendant aspects of humanity that unite us all below and above the surface over rather than the mean superficial aspects of humanity which separate us.
I am not Mormon or christian or atheist or agnostic or democrat or republican. I am independent. I am human. I seek after the same things my ancestors sought after, mainly a better life for me and my family and ultimately my tribe and mankind.
I told my twin sister Merry that I needed to explain to my oldest sister the current state of my disbelief.
She just laughed and asked when I wanted to go for a run in the sun.
She's a rare individual.
One of the few people in my life who always has a kind word and makes you feel good to be alive and keeps me motivated to run and climb and experience the great outdoors. And to create.
She's the wind beneath my wings, my soul sister, my team mate.
Whenever we run together we we are "Team Gemini" our motto is "Endure to the End."
We have it written on our backs so that we can inspire the one pulling up the rear.
When we run up stairs we sing the theme from Rockey.
It's just her and me and as long as we are together it doesn't matter where we finish in the mass of humanity. We know we will never finish first and we will never finish last. But as long as we finish together nothing else really matters. At least we are participating and doing something positive that we can always share and feel good about. If it is a short race I have to slow down to let her catch up. If it's a Marathon its all I can do to keep up, but somehow we always finish everything we start. If it wasn't for her I would have never run a marathon. Without me she might never have had the courage to travel the world.

I don't claim to be the world's expert on happiness, but I know that I'm much happier now that I am honest with myself and those around me. There is much more satisfaction for me at least in looking in the mirror and knowing that I am doing what's right for me and my family, despite what anyone else thinks, (besides my wife). I cannot live my life to please those who would exert their control over me. I'd rather spend my free time doing work for Habitat for Humanity or creating something beautiful.

I stopped writing my "personal history" three years ago, coincidentally when I hit 40, and started to take seriously what legacy I was creating. I was at a loss as to what to write that would benefit our posterity. I just last week picked up where I left off 3 years ago. It was the first time since my faith came crashing down 3 years ago like a house of cards, that I felt like I could articulate my position in positive terms. That is a major milestone for me.
It was the first time since then that I felt like I'd gained my existential footing. I've allowed my natural humanist inclinations a place to gain purchase, to take hold and gain root. I've weeded out those mean aspects of the patriarchal and racist traditions of my forefathers.
Now I have positive answers to people's questions.
The best part about it is that I have my wife and children who believe in me and are united with me. For the first time I feel like I am leading my family in a positive direction, that I can articulate, justify and defend in positive terms. I've found an alternative system of beliefs and values and a model for parenting that I can defend and that is supported by the model set by my parents.
We've reached a truce with those who would interfere with the way we parent our children and we've made it clear to them that we will raise our children how we, as their parents, see fit and will not stand for the undermining of the values we instill in them.
It's a good development and a happy lifestyle.
It feels natural and we are content with our place in the universe for the first time in a very long time.
And it feels soooo good.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

I decided today that I need to start doing things I've always wanted to do....

.....despite the fact that I have many limitations.
I ran a race today I have always wanted to run.
It's called Beat the Bridge.
You start at Husky Stadium in Seattle, run accross the Montlake bridge over the Montlake cut and then you have to haul ass for 2 miles to get to the University Bridge, which is a drawbridge, before they open it. I was running with my sister and she had fallen behind to keep a promise to a friend that she would not abandon her during the race. I totally had not trained and I was pretty winded after about a mile and a half of hauling ass. My body was telling me, "aw screw it. What are you running for. Just give it up. You aint gonna make it."
I recognized that old nemesis from days gone by and I replied, "This is something I've always wanted to do. I'm not going to give up now. If I have a shot, I'm going to take it. Are you going to let yourself get beat by an inanimate object? Who's tougher, you or the bridge? So I kicked it and made it a minute before the bridge opened up.
As I crossed the bridge I looked over to my left and there was a young black man with Rasta Dreadlocks holding a white cane behind him towing a blind man, guiding him through the mass of runners and successfully over the bridge. It made me appreciate the fact that my limitations were nothing compared to his. If he could do it, despite the fact that he was blind, I really had no excuse.
The view of the bridge opening up behind me was only diminished by the fact that I had to leave my team mate, my twin, on the other side. At that point my body was tired and said again, "Aw hell. You made your goal. Now just take the shortcut back to the finish line." I gave that advice serious consideration for a few moments until I caught my wind and then I remembered our Team Gemini motto: "Endure to the End" and I said to my body, this is not the end. I've not reached the finish line. I won't stop until I do.
A thought occured to me as I approached the finish line.
I thought about that Thoreau quote, where he said that "men have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man to "glorify God and enjoy him forever."
It occured to me that I had hastily concluded that very same thing. In retrospect I realized that there was no reason for me to make such a hasty conclusion. The chief end of man was much more sublime, and trascends religion, society, nationality, race, sex and all those other superficial differences.
This mass of humanity running together along the banks of the Montlake cut, they are my tribe. It is a big, diverse, healthy and beautiful tribe. I like these people.
The conversations I have with myself are the same as the conversations they have with themselves. They are the ones who's spirits have transended the weakness of thier flesh.
As I finished the last three miles of the race between my oldest son Nick and my twin sister, Merry. It was great to see him at the finish line, describing how he got his second wind at the bridge and got a total rush when he entered Husky Stadium and the people were cheering and he just kicked as hard as he could. I told him, "It's called endorphins. It's a natural high. If you run everyday you get to feel that everyday. It feels good huh?"
"Yeah. It feels great!"
I told him we need to start running together every day. That this is something I've always wanted to do and I was glad I got to share it with him. He told me he felt the same way.
It was a great day for us.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

First Blog

It's been three years since I stopped writing my "personal history"
I had reached my Thoreau moment,
"I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I cme to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to parctise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartanlike as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, ato drive life inot a corner, and to reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to knowit by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men it appears to me, ar in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the cheif end of man to "glorify God and enjoy him forever."

Now it's time to pick up where I left off.
Leaving a legacy my posterity can build upon.